The Gritters Tour Members

Tour Members - The 2008 Line up will be Twelve players: There are new profiles below.

Chris "Cock" Roach
The first thing to say about "Cock" is that he does all the organisation. Every year he carries out intensive research and spends hours on the internet and on the phone booking the ferry, the commodore cabins, the hotel, the restaurants, the golf courses, the buggies and the start times. It is then a matter of no small mystery why we have always managed to end up in France playing golf and not at a "Save the Whale" protest rally in Oswestry. Cock has a golf swing of tremendous, though too often misguided, power. The huge body turn combined with wildly flailing arms produces an extremely strong and big hit. Not only is the swing speed very high but he has a good eye for a ball so the quality of the strike itself is usually very good. See : The Chris Roach 30 second movie
The ball regularly comes off the exact centre of the club face together with a satisfying click and, as the ball rapidly departs, it makes that whooshing sound so beloved by the top pros. So, given all of the above, why is it that Cock is not a scratch golfer? Well....the explanation for that could take up an entire book and would consume more column inches that we have time or space for here but, suffice to say that the problem can be summed up quite neatly as follows. As the ball leaves the face of the golf club it will begins its journey about seventy percent of the time with a massive slice. The rest of the shots have an enormous amount of top spin and go bullet straight but thirty degrees left. Cock has no control over this and no idea of which option will occur with each swing.
		This repeating slice (or hard left smash) means that, although the ball has traveled a very long distance, it all too often ends up in the trees on the right. (see video opposite). The laws of random chance however, dictate that, every now and again, Cock will hit one straight. When this happens the ball sets off down the centre of the fairway like a scalded cat, disappearing at a huge speed and finishing a very long way away on a perfect lie. Following this rarity any amount of grumpiness that has been on display immediately evaporates to be replaced by a huge grin. Cock always then says something like "that's better, why can't I always do that"? The answer is painfully apparent to the rest of us but no one says anything. It is a rule of the universe that Cock inhabits that any good shot he may accidentally make will always followed by an over ambitious knob and so, instead of the simple flick onto the green that would normally be required after such a shot, Cock always manages to thin it painfully through the back.
Cock loves his golf and manages to get around the course somehow despite massive sleep deprivation by the third day. He is hampered by having to play every second shot from the middle of some bushes and a complete inability to chip.
Handicap:	Was down as low as 12.1 and by his own admission unable to be competitive. Several desperate showings in medals finally led the handicap committee at Copt Heath to look kindly upon this most beleaguered of men. His handicap is now 15 and he hopes that 16 is not too distant a dream. Last year (hampered by the 12 handicap) Cock finished in last place. An analysis of the scores reveals that, has Cock been playing of 15 instead of 12, then he would have finished er..... last.
Tours Attended :	15/15
Tour wins	Surprisingly only Two. 1993, 2001
Hall of Shame Entries:	Now has two. 1997 and 2007.
2007 Form	Cock usually starts poorly and then gets even worse but this year opened up with some of the worst golf that we have ever had to put up with. The prequel saw a 25 pointer and the first game at Stoneham yielded the same. The first two games in France resulted in a brace of 29 pointers and we thought that maybe the game had recovered. Was a high score about to drop? Sadly, no it wasn't and Cock managed only 25 again. Just when he thought that things could not possibly get any worse, they suddenly did. Cock managed his worst ever round of golf amassing just 15 lonely points. Omaha Beach was not kind on a windy day where 20 points were added to the sorry catalogue of woe and, though the closing 30 points at Tadmarton was his best of the tour, it proved to be insufficient by quite some margin. Cock finished in last place for only the second time.
2008 Outlook	Cock only tends to reveal true star quality following a very late night out drinking red wine and singing old sixties ballads. He is always a dark horse for the winners spot having managed to achieve this twice. He should always finish in the top half but, apart from the two wins, never has yet. The 2007 last place was, in fairness a rarity. He will come back fighting and should do well.


Napster Forecast:	Top Three with the new handicap
Star Sign	Lapsed Patisse
Distinguishing Marks	Has a very high "mouth in" to "anus out" ratio and has been known to dash in from off the golf course after only 16 holes at Dinard desperate for a dump.
Bad Habits	Always having one more beer in here
Anagram	A hot ripped scorcher
Redeeming Features	Always last to bed
Catchphrase:	Difficult to choose just one from so many. Obvious top contenders were "I shall need a dump soon" and "Anyway, as I was saying....." and "shall we go and have a look at the moon shining on the sea" but, in the end, the top place went to "Lets just have one more beer in here".


Contents of Golf Bag	Spare toilet roll, Ping Driver, Callaway irons, spare wedge (never used)

John "Tippy" Mayers
Tippy knows everybody of any consequence in the world personally, has been to their house for dinner and once spent an evening swapping stories and getting drunk with them. Tippy is always first rate company and he always has an excellent new tale to share, is always ready to lift everyone's spirits and, crucially, is always first at the bar. See: The John Mayers Movie John is very steady, very reliable and a great choice to play dependable foursomes with. He is still, despite advancing years very able to be highly competitive and, frustratingly, not likely to make a huge error (such as knobbing his drive into a bush).
		When struck, the ball does not appear to go all that far but, when compared to some of the younger more thrusting and enthusiastic strikers, it sometimes goes embarrassingly further than they would like. Tippy will often out drive the harder hitters. The reason for this is (as the video shows) that the swing is pretty good, the fundamentals are all in place, there is not much to go wrong and the quality of the strike usually very good. As a result the ball will go quite a long way and it will be in play. Upon that much at least you can rely. Tippy can get round the golf course quite well even on days when he isn't playing too well because of the sound technique. Thus it is that Tippy is possibly the most consistent golfer on the tour apart, of course, from the old putting problem of which we do not speak.
Handicap:	Now been cut to 8. By common consent he has always been one too many when he played off 10. (Every year in the usual pre tour preamble of handicap squabbles and last minute renegotiations he attempts to claim a new handicap of 9.5 "Call it Ten" following a run of bad luck and a recent poor return in some competition or other. This pleading buttered no parsnips (but it did neatly avoid the discussion about being cut to eight) This year Tippy has made a fundamental error. Having qualified for the 36 hole final medal, he went out and shot net 68 and net 70. Oh dear. An immediate cut to 9 handicap followed a week later by a committee review and a further cut to 8. In truth, eight or nine is about right providing of course is that the perennial short putting problem does not return to haunt yet again. Tippy is very good in all of the required disciplines and holes a lot of putts when the pressure is on. But, every now and again (less frequently these days but still in the back of the mind and for no apparent reason) the missed short ones return. In summary: Deadly from ten feet but occasionally fragile from three.



Tours Attended:	9/15 First tour was 1999 and has attended every one since
Tour Wins	Two. 1999, 2002.
Hall of Shame	None, though surely only a question of time?
2007 Form	Tippy was always going to be a hot favorite for a top two spot but much would surely depend upon keeping the high block when tired at bay and avoiding the short putts issue. Despite the advancing years, tiredness seemed to affect everyone except him.



	Tippy was raring to go this year. Perhaps an early night or two might guarantee a return to the winner's rostrum but that is not Tippy's style. Sometimes this involves missing his footing on the way home and taking an early bath in the harbour. An opening 28 in the pre tour preamble did not set the place on fire but ensured that he was "nicely placed". Once the tour began properly a fabulous 40 points around Stoneham and a 35 around La Baule were throwing down the gauntlet. Another 28 and a 30 though meant that it was all uphill from here. Closing efforts of 35, 27 and 32 were good enough for 4th place.


2008 Outlook	Still very competitive, should win again soon but may need to be off 9 to do it.
Napster Forecast:	Always a certain Top Two contender.
Star Sign	Gang Plank
Distinguishing Marks	An expert is delivering a well timed verbal thrust designed to get into your head and worm its way around a bit to worry you at a crucial point, Tippy typifies the indomitable spirit of the Gritters Fraternity. He is competitive, a good sport and generous with his time and money. To say only that Tippy is a Gritter is akin to saying that Beethoven was a piano player and that Shakespeare wrote a bit.
Bad Habits	Falling into harbours
Redeeming Features	Always first at the bar
Catchphrase	"Physically I'm in good shape but my dignity is in tatters".
Contents of Golf Bag	106th edition of Burkes Peerage, Antique mahogany putter, old Tony Jacklin irons with new designer grips, alarm clock.

Tim "T.C." Clarke T.C. has never been able to hit the big dog off the tee but, every now and again, fools himself into thinking that he can. This results in the purchase of an expensive driver that lasts for two or three rounds before being replaced when he gets fed up of playing every second shot from behind some old dustbins. T.C. has a garage full of rusty drivers, driving irons and other items that were impulse purchased, used for a short while and then jettisoned. The most recent fashion accessory was a "Gentleman's Persuader" that, amazingly, traveled fairly straight and for long enough distances. As a result T.C. is usually on the fairway but hasn't hit a green in regulation in living memory. See the TC 2007 Winners Movie For the 2007 tour he purchased a new Ping G5 Driver and the picture below shows him slicing it wildly into the trees. Heath and safety Notice: The green staff are always warned beforehand if it is known that T.C. may attempt to hit his new Ping G5 driver. A Gritters Spokesman said "Obviously it is highly dangerous to allow these modern clubs to be used by an untrained idiot and everyone should be on their guard. We suggest that the safest place to stand in directly in the middle of the fairway".
		T.C. always has a 40 pointer lurking somewhere but not often enough to trouble the scorers. Too many misguided efforts to hit a driver have in the past proved to be a major Achilles heel. T.C. took some lessons just prior to the 2007 trip, specifically to help him with his driving and these have made a major difference. Still a little indifferent from the fairway but justifiably claims to be the world's greatest chipper from fifty yards and is a fantastic streak putter. The handicap has been down as low as eleven but that was always a bit optimistic. For the 2007 tour he had 14 shots to play with and he should be deadly off that number. A typical dialogue with TC would be: TC: "I've hit that really well" Cock: "Where is it"? TC: "It's in the lake, but I hit it really well


Handicap	Should be a Bandit at 14
Tours Attended	15/15
Tour Wins	One. T.C. won the 2007 tour.
Hall of Shame	One. T.C finished last on the 2004 tour
2007 Form:	T.C. was much less erratic than normal and the lessons with the driver were working. He struck the ball from the tee better than has ever been seen. The opening score at the prequel of 39 points sent an early signal. Tour scores of 26, 34, 27 contained just enough 3 pointers to stay in contention. The 36 at Bretesche was easily the best of the day and the 31 at Savenay was competent. Omaha Beach was the worst of the week with just 20 points and left TC in 4th place with one round to go. The 37 points at Tadmarton was inspired and included a birdie 3 at the 8th with a shot for a very useful 4 pointer. It was pretty close but in the end it turned out that T.C. had won his very first Gritters Tour. A popular and deserved win.

2008 Outlook	Will probably need to master the driver if he is going to repeat the win though the rest of the game is in great shape.
Napster Forecast:	First again if the driver is on the same form, as predicted the 5 from 8 format suited him very well.
Star Sign	One Iron
Distinguishing Marks	Plays a funky mouth organ and has recently developed a penchant for dressing up as a fireman (see archives). In 2003 he attended the auditions for the Thunderbirds movie where he, disappointingly, failed to get the part of the gay one who flies Thunderbird Three.
Bad Habits	Buying a new driver every four weeks
Anagram	My hot tickler
Redeeming Feature	Props up the profit margins of West Midlands golf equipment stores.
Catchphrase	"I've hit that really well".
Contents of golf bag	Ping Driver (Mint condition) 8 one irons and a putter, 23 mobile phone chargers

Harry "Aitch" Cattell
A firm favourite of the group, a thoroughly nice bloke with a laconic sense of humour, Aitch is a valued member of the squad. Aitch is usually fantastic off the tee. The ball is struck firmly and accurately and makes a lovely whooshing sounds as it flies away usually ending up on a nice patch of short grass within easy reach of the green. If all goes well then a crisply struck iron will result in yet another green found in regulation and a routine par. On his day Aitch can shoot some very low scores despite using a putter picked up at a car boot sale. But, in common with most of the other attendees, Aitch is more than capable of getting off the tee only to then disintegrate rapidly. When it goes wrong for Aitch, it really does go.
		Harry is by far the most consistent of the group and the only one to have been caught secretly practicing before a round. He knows that the carpet in his lounge at home breaks towards the fireplace. Partnering Harry consists mainly of Harry hitting the ball and you saying "good shot Harry." Although it is not the case (as a cursory examination of previous scores will show) It seems that Aitch always gets at least 36 points and knows everything that there is to know about fish.

Handicap	Was a solid 5 but, for the first time in years, now has a shot back and will play off 6.
Tours Attended:	9/15
Tour Wins	None (Suffered as a Back nine loser in 2002)
Hall of Shame	One. Aitch entered the Hall of Shame for the first time in 2005
2007 Form:	The first one to say it, Aitch was hampered by indifferent driving, wayward iron play, poor chipping and indecisive putting. When you play off 6 this can be a major problem. Scores of 35 and 32 to open were as good as everybody else but then a pair of 28's either side of 25 lurked in. The 18 points that followed it sealed Aitch's fate and for a while it look like a sure return to the Hall of Shame. Gritty performances at Omaha and Tadmarton of 31 and 33 that included a double hit, saw him sneak into 7th.


2008 Outlook	Normally always steady, always reliable, not likely to make a huge error unless the old problem with the poor chipping returns. Aitch is a definite favorite for a top three spot and a smart money bet for the top slot. There have been a couple of worrying 28 pointers that have lurked their way into his game recently but these were put down to early season lapses. The new 6 handicap could prove to be very useful.

Napster Forecast:	Should be Top Three but Napster says 2nd
Star Sign	Sea Bass
Distinguishing Marks	When playing badly can leave a trail of divots 5 yards apart up the fairway making it appear that a gang of badly behaved ferrets have had a fight with some badgers after having been out for a drink and a curry.
Bad habits	Tendency to sing bad opera when pissed.
Redeeming features	Never argues about venues for either the town we go to, the hotel we stop in, the golf courses we play or the restaurants for dinner. The perfectly compliant tourist.
Catchphrase	"Now that's what I call a nice piece of fish".
Contents of Golf Bag	Putter purchased in car boot sale, set of mixed irons, Nylon fish slice

Simon "Cash Till" Carter
Cash Till looks like a camel dealer who has fallen on bad times.
	Traditionally takes on the highly onerous task of operating the kitty and does a fabulous job. Cash is very erratic on the golf course when awake and gives the appearance of a man keeping his eyes peeled for snipers on the roof tops.

	Depending upon his mood on the day (and sometimes minute to minute) he will score 23 or 43 points.
Handicap:	Has been a highly inaccurate 16 but, following some inadvertent good play, now has a handicap of 15.
Tours Attended	13/15
Tour Wins	By far and away the most successful tour member with five. 1995, 2000, 2003, 2005, 2006.
Hall of Shame	One. The very first tour in 1993
2007 Form	Cash played some good golf on the 2007 tour but was troubled by an erratic three wood. Normally we wait for the final day and we see the fireworks but not this time. Solid rounds in the thirties with just the one exception at Omaha were good, but in the end, only for second place. Some great shots were struck but, by his own admission, four or five critical errors were enough. Click on this picture ------>>>>>>>>>>>>>> to see "Gritters Golf academy series" "The swing thoughts of Cash Till"

2008 Outlook	Cash Till is normally a final day specialist. No attention should be paid or inference drawn from his scoring until the last day. He is always likely to produce something in the forties and be very dangerous.
Napster Forecast	Still a favourite to win and virtually certain to be top three, is 2008 to be the year that we see the big collapse or maybe the venue for a sixth win? Who knows? Certainly not us. Napster says First or last.
Star Sign	Moody Camel
Anagram	manic sorter
Distinguishing Marks	Cash Till believes that you should never buy a putter until you have had a chance to throw it.
Bad Habits	Far too many to list here, fans should look out for a new "Bad Habits of Cash Till" page being launched in the next few months
Redeeming Features	Struggling a bit with this one too, asked the guys to give it some thought. Turns out that Cash Till is a classical music enthusiast.
Catchphrase	"That'll be another 200 euros".
Contents of Golf Bag	Deck of cards with the 7 of diamonds missing, a book of first class postage stamps, a signed photograph of the over eighties Bacup and Nelson line dancing team, a well thumbed copy of "the AA official definitive guidebook of British trees", an unopened packet of raisins, a corkscrew, a roll of sellotape, a Boots "intellisense" Home Blood Pressure monitor kit, a calculator with a broken equals key, a tape measure, a red mousemat, a can of "Spring time in the Austrian Alps" air freshener, a 13 amp fuse, a purple plastic thing used for drawing parabolic curves on graphs, a titliest 4 golf ball (red), ticket stubs for the opening night of Evita, a portion of curry duck, a stapler, a tube of hair gel, a box set of three Queen CD's entitled "The Platinum Collection", an A3 sized Collins "teach yourself Spanish" reference book, a travel scrabble, a macramé horse, a set of three Tupperware containers, a rubber brick, a 1996 Copt Heath Golf Club B team fixture list, a 50 ml miniature bottle of Teachers Whiskey, a 1963 Wisden, a 1975 Beano annual, 4 place mats depicting the glory days of the Great Western Railway, a pencil sharpener, a tesco store card, a packet of barbless carp hooks, a return "Day Saver" economy railway ticket from Carlisle to Preston, a gearbox for a 1973 Vauxhall Astra, an apple tart and a banana, a hand blown glass figurine of a leaping horse with wings (broken tail), a sugar cube, 4 black and white photographs of "Leeds working life", a 1936 Cup Final programme, a dead badger, a blue enameled plaque announcing that "Robert Louis Stevenson once lived here", a plastic frog, a large shuttlecock, a hovercraft (no batteries), a junior hacksaw set with 3 blades, the sheet music for "My old man's a dustman", a large aquarium with a sunken galleon, an unopened Anne Summers Purple "My First Strap On" kit, an Airfix Messersmit, 3 packets of long red plastic golf tees, a set of irons, a putter and a driver and a three wood that he is no longer allowed to use.

Mark "Porky" Graham
A gentle giant who hits the ball miles and looks to be a much better player than he actually is. See the "PORKY POWER SWING IN SLOW MOTION" video
		Hits the ball massive distances and should score really low but Porky will lose concentration easily and fritter unbelievable amounts of shots away. Usually brilliant at pop quizzes and would win but always fails to grasp the rules.
		He gets highly ambivalent about a bad score and usually fails to finish the job on a good one as he is already thinking about the bread rolls he will be eating later.
		The picture shows Porky relaxing at Freslonnierre after shooting 26. He recently had a new grip fitted on his ball retriever. Sometimes smells of fish and never wears a kilt.
Handicap	Plays off 11.
Tours Attended	4/15
Tour Wins:	Won his first tour in 2004 and suffered the agony of losing the 2005 tour on a better back 6.
Hall of Shame	None
2007 Form	Started poorly with 28 and managed only mediocre low thirties after that. A 28, 26 and 27 put paid to any chance of winning but a 32 and closing 30 ensured that he finished sixth.





2008 Outlook	Expected to be much the same as his previous outings, wonderful then rubbish in equal measures. May sneak in a win during the tour but needs to sustain the consistency if he is to repeat the 2004 win.

Napster Forecast 11 handicap over four rounds should produce the winner but he is susceptible to
verbal pressure from Tippy. Napster predicts that Porky will be back in the top three
Star Sign:	Baguette
Distinguishing Marks	Can be heard wandering along a golf course muttering to himself "Ho hum, It's nice here isn't it, ho hum, is it the big dog on this one? Ooh er swish swish, bash, ooh where's that gone? There will be some bread later won't there? It's nice here isn't it?....."
Bad Habits	Can consume enough bread at one sitting to feed a small Tibetan village
Redeeming Features	Probably the "nicest" bloke on tour. An all round nice bloke, always looks for your ball, always carries your bags, puts the flag back, repairs your pitch marks and always changes your flat tyre. Doesn't know anything about classical music but thought for a short time that we all did. A classical Gritters moment with the fake Classical Music quiz had Porky in the net.
Catchphrase	"Pass the bread"
Contents of Golf Bag	A driver that resembles a grand piano on the end of a broom stick, a set of irons covered in dents and a spare cheese and ham baguette

Tony "Short Stuff" Graddon see the dedicated Fans of Short Stuff page
There was simply not the room here to put down everything that needed to be said about the Gritters Legend that is Tony "Short Stuff" Graddon. So, following repeated requests from all over the world, Shorts now has his own "Fans of Short Stuff" page. In two ways Short Stuff is the opposite of Porky in that Short Stuff doesn't hit it very far and looks to be a lot worse that he actually is.
The only athletic sport that Short Stuff has mastered is Backgammon, and he loves to gamble. "Shorts" is always great fun and can be relied upon to contribute greatly to the humour of the tour. Short Stuff has a rapier like wit but, much to everyone's disappointment, often goes to bed early. This is because he has the attention span of a broken wheelbarrow. Short Stuff can play very well but can be wildly inconsistent. He will regularly blob the first two holes, birdie the next two (with shots) and then be highly erratic. His stableford points card at Dinard in 2006 looked like a telephone number 00 44 141 222 2123. It turns out to be the Blue Lagoon chip shop in Glasgow.
		As the illustration opposite shows, on a good day he produces a golf swing that is both very compact and competent. It produces a well struck ball with a slight fade but is consistent and repeatable. On a bad day his swing resembles a man trying to strangle a snake in a phone box. On a very bad day it reminds you of an octopus desperately flailing its arms out to grab something as it is falling out of a fourth floor sash window. Short Stuff always claims that he has absolutely no idea where the ball is going to go but manages to get it round just the same. There is a detailed analysis of the Short Stuff swing on the Fans Page.
Handicap	22.
Tours Attended	14/15 Unavoidably missed the very first tour on account of not being invited
Tour Wins:	One. 1998.
Hall of Shame	Two. 1994 and 2002
2007 Form	Was a complete unknown until he hit the ball on the first hole on day one and then we knew that it was all going to be vastly better than last year but still rubbish. The highlight though was a fabulous 37 points around Savenay that resulted in a second spot that day. Much more consistent this year and landed 5th place.


2008 Outlook:	Will again be a complete unknown until the first shot is struck. More practice could result in a top three slot but this is about as likely as something very unlikely. In the past has accepted bets such as eating 5 Mars bars in one minute, eating 3 dry Jacobs crackers in under a minute. What crazy new thing will he find this year? Rumour has it that lessons are being taken.

Napster Forecast	Bottom half but we could be (and we all genuinely hope to be) surprised. Could he win?
Star Sign	Chateaubriand
Anagram	Arty Dong Nod
Distinguishing Marks	Has violent allergic reactions to pollen, dentists, car boot sales, Mexican pornography, motorway jams and anything by S Club 7.
Bad Habits	Going to bed too early
Redeeming Features	Probably the most generous, sharply observant and certainly the wittiest man we know. Guaranteed to have you laughing helplessly.
Catchphrase	"Straight up the Kalashnikov".
Contents of Golf Bag	"Golf, the inner game" by Short Stuff, oh and some old clubs.

Ian "Clarkie" Clarke
Ian Clarke is a really nice man. very talented and yet somehow quite humble. A golfer of great ability, an excellent piano player and the competitions organiser. Ian is perhaps one of most charismatic and utterly brilliant though at the same time extremely modest and self effacing of men and (coincidentally) the author of this web site. Ian has written several seminal golf related works including "How to line up your fourth putt" and the important and popular sequel "How to get more distance from a shank".


Clarkie can play all the shots required in the game but unfortunately not all at the same time. A model of inconsistency, some days drives well but can't putt, some days vice versa. Has swing problems with a flying right elbow, a stiff neck, torn shoulder tendons and a collapsing left knee as the video above clearly shows. Has a tendency still to live life like he's in a film with a happy ending and is invariably disappointed. (who writes this rubbish?)
Handicap	Should be deadly as Clarkie now has an additional shot back for 2007 and plays off 6. Need to practice more if he isn't to rely too heavily upon the chipping.
Tours Attended:	15/15
Tour Wins	Amazingly for one so talented yet so humble, just the one. Ten years ago now back in 1997.
Hall of Shame	One. 2003
2007 Form	Probably the best he has ever played though still highly erratic off the tee. Iron play was better though patchy and, whilst the chipping and putting was of a reasonable standard, he was getting up and down from the most unlikely spots for bogey too often. A reasonable showing in the preamble and an opening round of 34 meant that Clarkie was going to have to play much better if a top three slot was to be achieved. The possibility presented itself with a gross level par round at Stoneham and 42 points. Could a second win be on the cards? Two uninspired rounds of 31 and 30 put a great big dent in that balloon but 39 at Savenay meant that it was still on. A very poor 26 was followed by a 36 at Omaha. A closing 31 at Tadmarton simply did not have enough in it and was only good enough for third place.