Gritters Invaluable Handy Hints

Tippy's Top Tips

"A list of Handy Top Travel Tips for the unwary traveller"

When walking along the seafront at La Baule......

Try not to walk straight into a steel barrier.

When taking a group photo

When setting your camera for an automatic delay of 10 seconds in order to take a group photo that you can be in, when you are rushing around to stand in the frame, try to avoid slipping over into a bush of nettles.

When urinating into a hedge

Instead of casually taking a long pee (after some lunchtime beers) and chatting away merrily over your shoulder to your playing companions, ALWAYS keep one eye on the hedge.

If you are unlucky you may find that, what you thought was a continuous hedge, is not so at all and, worse, the very part that you have chosen for your relief is in fact a gate that opens away from you. You may find yourself happily chatting to your pals whilst directing a hot stream of splashing urine directly at a white haired old lady whose only concern up until that moment was to take her highland terrier for a walk. You, of course, have not noticed that the gate has swung silently open, and your playing partners are not going to tell you.

When breaking wind on the 12th fairway.

Be sure that you are not going to follow through. You could end up sorting yourself out in a rhododendron bush and having to throw away your expensive Wentworth towel and then having a song written about it.

After a particularly heavy night

Bear in mind that when faced with your first drive of the day up a long par four into a stiff breeze, the last thing you need in your hands is a one iron.

When arranging your accommodation

Always be sure to ring the hotel some weeks beforehand and upgrade your room without telling the others.

When wishing to watch a movie on the boat home........

Under no circumstances allow one of the other players to purchase your ticket. It is just possible that you will end up watching a movie in French. Even worse, because you are so tired, you might not notice for around half an hour. It is now too late to get your money back and so you might decide to avoid the embarrassment of telling everyone else and you may choose to stay for the rest of film and take a nap. Then, of course, when you emerge from the cinema when asked if you enjoyed the film you will say that you did. Naturally you will not realise at this stage that they all know.

When standing on the Sixth tee at Dinard

When all are looking in trepidation at the sea and the beach on your immediate right, a comment along the lines of "be sure to keep it up the left side here" is probably superfluous.

When someone says "you're striking it well today........."

Note: This particular handy hint only applies to TC.

You are walking towards the tee of a long par four and playing well when some one says "you're striking it well today, why don't you have a go with your new Ping G5 driver at the next"?

Don't. Unless you are happy to play your second shot from behind some dustbins.

When it is 2.00 am and you are completely wrecked

and your mate suggests that "we wander down to the harbour to look at the sea," be very careful not to up end up in a seedy bar getting even more wrecked. You may end up walking into the harbour and unexpectedly experiencing a sudden fifteen feet drop into icy cold water.

When arriving in a really nice restaurant

be sure to order a main course and not end up sitting around like lemons for three hours getting wrecked on really nice Sancerre. Note, it is also very important to check your dress sense prior to departure to make sure that you haven't accidentally dressed up as a gay fireman.

When taking performance enhancing drugs........

be sure to disguise the fact from the other tour members. The best way to do this is to deliberately score a lot worse than you normally would.

When attempting to hit a nice solid six iron

try not to knob three successive three irons instead

When looking for your wildly hit new Titliest Pro V in the rough and finding a fairly ancient and mouldy cut up ball

you can allow yourself some mild disappointment that it has turned out not to be your ball but do not pick it up and hurl it into a bush. If you are unlucky a French person may appear moments later and say something like "hey vous, qui le fuck etes vous doing avec mon ballon"? If you are even more unlucky, after you have apologised profusely, you might have to spend 10 minutes looking for it and then, having failed to locate it, give him one of your brand new Titliest pro V balls instead.

When staying at the Abbey in Le Tronchet...

Always be sure when setting off for golf that you have locked your room and that you have the only key. If you are unlucky you may return to find that a duck has been "accidentally" trapped in your room all afternoon and that it has relieved itself all over your luggage.

Note: The extension of this hint also applies. At any time on tour, when returning to your room, you should carefully checked for signs of trapped poultry of any kind.

When purchasing a new pink jumper in the pro shop.....

and your brother advises you that it looks great and really suits you.....

You are probably better off not buying it. If you are unlucky you may find that the rain will suddenly clear, the sun comes out and that your playing companions are giggling at your attire. The jumper will probably end up in the bin on the fourth tee at Clecy.

When telling a story.......

try to make sure that your story has a point. It makes it so much more interesting for the listeners. It would probably be better still if your story had a beginning, a middle and an ending with perhaps an interesting observation or a punch line. Try to avoid simply rambling on about bugger all for no discernable reason.

When having a really nice evening in the piano bar.........

It would be better to avoid the temptation to attempt accompanying your brother and play the fancy high bits in the middle eight. This is especially true when you are completely wrecked.

When you have fallen over and got grass stains all over your new trousers....

before attempting to remove these stubborn stains, always circle the stains in felt pen first. This means that, when you take the garment out of the washing machine, you will be able to easily locate the area that was stained and check that it has now gone.

When trying to save money on lighters and or matches.....

simply light your next cigarette by using the butt of your last one.

When you suddenly realise that the room you are in is very dark.............

This is probably because the bar you are in has closed. The remedial action is to find another bar.

When you can't remember the words to the song..............

This is because you haven't had enough to drink yet. You should keep drinking until the quality of your voice improves and all of the lyrics come back to you.