News Archives

Votes have been cast for elections to the Gritters Committee.With no clear majority emerging we now have a "Hung Committee".

It has always been known of course that the Clarke brothers are particularly well hung.

Representatives of both sides are now in desperate talks to clarify policy. Issues at stake are an immediate lowering of the par threes prize, a fairer distribution of prize money for those people with less than 30 points and a fairer voting system. (At the moment some Gritters have opinions about issues but they are ignored).

We are back! A great trip, one of the best ever. Congratulations to Cock who wins his third tour.

It was revealed today that four Gritters are to face additional questions about their expenses.

"It has been common practise to have a Mars bar and let the kitty pay for it" said one angry Gritter. "I defend my position robustly, it was clearly within the rules".

Another said "it is not that I mind not having a kebab, if they want a kebab then that is their right and I would defend that right, but they should pay for it themselves".

The practise of flipping is perhaps the most serious allegation. A source close to the organisers commented

"Naturally I have two sets of golf clubs, in a golf society like this one I couldn't be expected to make do with just one set. The first set, which are mine and I paid for them, are currently designated as my main set set and I keep them in my sister's bedroom in Dorridge. The other set is worth a little more and so I keep these in a pawn shop in Yardley".

One leading Gritter, a Mr P. Orky, said "I don't know anything about it", which, of course, is true.

In a bizarre twist yesterday, Mr Chris Roach (Gritters Work and Pensions advisor) offered his resignation when it was disclosed that he had not declared £47.25 of advance trip deposits. Oddly, £12.50 of this amount came from a think tank based in Dorridge that no one can find.

"I can't remember much about it" said Mr Cockroach "It was an honest mistake".

A spokesman for the Gritters played it down and merely said, "we are happy for Mr Roach to stay on as Trip Organiser, he has made an honest mistake, we put it down to him being an incompetent buffoon".

The only spokesperson available for the Gritters was a Mr P. Orky who said "I know nothing about it". Which, of course, is true.

It seems that Toyota are not alone in selling faulty goods that must now be recalled.

"We would like to stress that the public are in no danger" said a spokesman " And not all clubs are affected".

It seems that after extensive research the faulty clubs have been narrowed down to a batch of just 12 located somewhere in the west Midlands area.

"We know about 11 of them", said the Ping chap "but there is 12th driver missing, we think that it might have originated in the west Midlands area but now have been moved south, possibly as far as the London area".

As luck would have it, this is the most affected club of them all. The user is likely to appear highly disorientated and a bit confused, he will be unsure of his ability to hit a golf ball at all. The most likely result of using the affected club will be a high girly slap with a severe slice.

The Ping bloke went on to say "it is most urgent that we track down this club and if anyone knows of its whereabouts they should report it immediately. All we have to go on is a trail of divots and a poorly marked scorecard with a scribbled barely legible signature which looks like Mr S. Stuff".

The future of the Burntwood library was in doubt last night after a series of bizarre, dramatic and quite shocking events occurred. "I have never seen anything like it" said one shocked resident, a Mrs Elsie Hangingbasket. "We quite often like to have some fun here on a Tuesday night, we let our hair down with Cheese and Wine parties, stamp collecting evenings and, most recently, a great night with guest speaker Mr Darrell Fone discussing the building of model railways. He had us all on the edge of our seats".

Last night though may have seen an end to these fun evenings in Burntwood. Mrs Hangingbasket takes up the story. "A gang of what can only be described a middle aged dull people gate crashed our evening. There we were eating cheese and discussing The Prologue to Chaucers Canterbury Tales and really letting ourselves go, when suddenly there were all these people not wearing their National Trust lapel badges demanding extra sugar in their tea. There were playing with their Corgi cars and quietly discussing "Push to Shove" ratios, which I will admit aroused my interest to start with but then realised it meant something else. It is really not good enough and to cap it all, after they had left quietly, we realised that some paper doilies were missing".

An investigation is now underway. Police are looking for some polite dull people, one of whom may be carrying a newly released Corgi Harrington Horsebox Ref DG213001 and a copy of last months Macrame Monthly.

Winning scores were 26 under par (with 5 from 8 counting). This was achieved by Neal and Darrell. The title is awarded to Neal with a better back nine. Well done Neal (two in a row) and hard luck Darrell (very close and just the luck of the draw).

Equal third were Cock and Porky, 5th Ian. The bun fight for bottom place ended as a three way tie Winnie, Narrowboat and Short Stuff were all 10 under. Again, the cruel twist of fate that is the back nine decider meant that Narrowboat gets the bottom spot.

Scores were good this year and all the golf courses were in good condition except Freslonnierre who had poor greens due to a frost problem. Unusual for them and we are assured a problem that will be fixed next season.

Just got back from the tour, one of the best ever. All sorts of records smashed.

Gritters go on tour to France. Not much is happening. Though the advice line back to the Copt Heath pro shop is buzzing.

There is a new scam doing the rounds.
Apparently there is a batch of fake Taylor Made Bubble Burners recently arrived in the West Midlands.
These are not the real thing but are in fact cheap imitations made by a small crew of disgruntled carpet factory workers in Redditch.
They are being sold off as "Second Hand, but genuine clubs in good condition" for about £60.
Buyer beware, these are fakes.
Note: You can tell the fakes as they will have a tendency to introduce a violent and incurable slice to your game.

Gritters achieve true fame at last with article featuring them in the October edition of Fairway to Green magazine.

Analysis of the group photo has apparently revealed that Short Stuff is either wearing transparent Cuban heels, or is standing on tip toe. At first we thought it might be out of sheer vanity, then it was discovered to be a deliberate act intended to make Darrell look shorter than he is on the photo.

In a bizarre and dramatic twist of events there is now some doubt over the attendance on this years tour of Mr Darrell Fone. He has a severe diary clash as he has been instructed to attend a training course instead of playing golf. It may be possible to reschedule the course but at the moment, it all hangs in the balance. The four day residential course takes place at Hoar Cross Hall and is entitled "How to make my correspondence by email more interesting".

An excited spokesman have revealed that that are no less than 47 separate glass companies due to open for business this month.

"Apparently there is some lunatic with a five iron hell bent on smashing up greenhouses" said Mr Derek Perspex," this should be a boon for local employment".

Police were called last night to a bizarre and dramatic incident in Lady Byron Lane.

"I was in my garden at around 5.45pm, when I heard to the sound of breaking glass" said the owner of a rather splendid property adjacent to the second fairway of Copt Heath golf club. "Two things came immediately to my mind. First, the Nick Lowe hit of 1993 and second, who is smashing up my greenhouse?"

From the position of the greenhouse and the angle of the ball flight, someone must have aimed directly at the greenhouse.

"I suppose that a golfer could have had a shank, but it would have to be with a long club like a five iron.

Shanking a wedge we could understand, we have all done that, but to shank a five iron would demonstrate a level of incompetence that is simply too difficult to believe".

The authorities remain confident that the culprit will be identified. A Scotland Yard profiler says that the golfer will be "a person struggling so much with his game that he should be giving it up for good but he is unable to face up to reality".

Police have this to go on as well as fingerprint and DNA evidence. Also closer examination of the offending missile revealed a logo. "Easy Air Conditioning".

The Police say that...."We are looking for a terrible golfer with a vacant expression who has recently installed some air conditioning"

The Noise Abatement Society were called into the Stud bar at Copt Heath Golf Club last night and, in a dramatic twist, nothing much happened.

"I thought at first that there was an overturned sheep lorry" said Jurmind Shuttinup, the local area supervisor, "but it turned out to be two old blokes moaning about their handicaps".

Comments from other bar users were "I have never heard so much bleating in my life, I thought that perhaps there was an overturned sheep lorry" and " the younger one was dressed nicely and was quite good looking".

"At first I thought it must be an April Fool joke", commented the assistant professional, "This bloke came in and sort of shuffled around a bit in a shifty sort of way. He asked me if we had any Mizuno drivers. I said that we had lots of them and was there any model in particular that he wanted. He just sort of shook his head like he was ashamed or something. Then he said that the driver wasn't for him but was "for a friend". I didn't believe him but then after I showed him the MP600, he produced a platinum credit card and practically snatched it out of my hands and ran out. It was only afterwards that I realised that I had in fact been talking to the famous Cash Till of Gritters fame.

In a completely unexpected turn of events, Mr Chris Roach shot 39 points at Copt Heath Golf Club.

"I don't know what came over me", said Chris, "I just turned up, hit the ball and hoped for the best. When I added up my score afterwards, I thought that perhaps I must have accidentally played 27 holes".

A spokesman for Karsten Ping Inc. today issued a much rosier profits forecast for the coming months.

European sales director, Mr Cutty Slappit, said "We have been informed that a very well dressed and colour co-ordinated gentleman of leisure, was been measured for a new set of our clubs at a midlands golf shop and has now taken delivery. We are confident that this is the start of the annual Gritters new club purchasing push. This will obviously help to clear the stockpile of gimmick clubs, driving irons and weird shaped drivers we have amassed in anticipation."

The mystery buyer has purchased a set of I10 irons and a rescue club. Mr Slappit refused to be drawn on rumours that the mystery buyer was a trifle overweight, had socks that didn't match, wore a yellow slogan T shirt with red trousers and brown suede shoes and sported a green leather watch strap.

"they were on the counter at the start of my shift" said the waiter, "I swear I only left them alone for a minute or two, but some bloke just scoffed the lot". He had his eyes covered in a bandana so the only description I can offer is that he kept saying "Ho Hum, nice in here isn't it, any more bread"?

Astonishing as it may seem, despite the fact that the 2008 tour is now but 16 weeks away, no one has bought a new set of clubs. Not even TC. This is news indeed.

Meanwhile, T.C. has been invited to attend a "golf clothing for the next century focus group review"

Several new applications have been received and all loans returned. There are still limited spaces available to be considered for Honorary Grittership. Simply take the Personality Test and apply.........

The "Cash for Honorary Grittership" scandal has exploded. The Gritters committee deny any wrongdoing but questions have been asked in the pub. It appears that Honorary Gritters Memberships are being handed out like confetti in return for undisclosed "Loans".

The Gritters have always claimed that there is a lengthy in depth process of scrutinisation which considers the applicants worthiness to be included.

"Applicants willingness to loan the Gritters some money has never been a factor" said a Gritters spokesperson.

REUTERS, ASSOCIATED PRESS, BALTIC REVIEW, AGENCE FRANCE PRESSE, BBC WORLD, GOLF MONTHLY

In a dramatic and bizarre twist of fate, the handicap of Mr Chris Roach was dramatically and bizarrely altered yesterday to be 15 strokes. "This is not before time" said the beleaguered Mr Roach, " I have been struggling with desperately bad swing mechanics for some time now and I believe that the handicap of only 12 was a major factor in my poor showing in the 2007 Gritters event when I finished in last place".

A spokesman for the Gritters Golf Society commented "Naturally we are all very pleased for Chris. the new 15 handicap can only be of great benefit. It is pretty obvious that he has been suffering lately with only 12 shots to play with, now that he is off 15 we hope that he will be more competitive".

A detailed analysis of the scoring on the 2007 Gritters tour reveals that, had Chris been playing off 15 and not 12, then he would have finished er.... last.

24 hopefuls (including some of the Gritters) descended upon the Bournemouth area to play a Ryder Cup format 12 oldest v 12 youngest. The courses played included Parkstone and Queens Park. A jolly good time was had by all and the Young Bulls won for the second time.

The Gritters are back! T.C. has won his very first event! The 2007 tour movie edited edition is on the site. The full version is available on a DVD on request.

The Gritters are actually on tour right now. (Though not much is happening).

T.C. shoots 39 points in the opening round of the 2007 Gritters tour prequel held at Willesley Park.

John Mayers, the well known Bon Vivant sepia finished estate agent's minder, today shot a net 68 and net 70 (par 72) in the 36 hole Final Medal. This is astonishing for two reasons. First, John has managed to get around 36 holes, no small achievement in itself! Second, this means that, in the critical period just before the Gritters Tour, he has been cut to an exact handicap of 9.0.

A Gritters spokesman was unavailable for comment, they were all too busy laughing. Well done John.

Late postscript: Just when you think things could not get any worse, they suddenly do. Napster has discovered that, because Tippy has won a "main board" competition and his name is to be etched in gold and subsequently revered forever, the committee have a habit of making a further handicap reduction based upon "General Play". Thus it could be that another WHOLE shot (Yes, you read that correctly: A whole shot) may be deducted leaving Tippy to play off a handicap of only 8.

John has always been physically okay but with his dignity occasionally in tatters (viz. falling into Harbour) Now there is every chance that the mental side may join forces with the dignity. Odds of a Tippy victory have risen substantially and the betting on Tippy finishing in last place has been suspended due to an avalanche of internet placements. In the event, John was cut to 8 halfway through the tour.

A spokesman for the company said "Putt has fallen on his sword over this one. Footjoy's reputation has been built on style and quality, who in their right mind would ever buy lime green golf shoes"!

The marketing department's responses was that, following a recent focus group research initiative, they were "aiming at the poorly sighted gay fireman with highlights but no sense of style market".

"Frankly, I'm amazed we even sold one pair" said the European Sales Director, "they must have been bought as some sort of sick joke".

Remaining stocks of these shoes are now being recalled with some haste.

To: Gritters.

I am a renowned mathematician of some renown and a part time Maoist sympathiser and carpet fitter. I have spotted a fatal flaw in your scoring system. I require that the sum of $4,000,000 ( Four million) is deposited in the account of the "Thermian Country Insurgent Socialists Against Totalitarian Warring And Tyranny" (TC IS A TWAT) at the Dorridge branch of Nat West please. If this money is not there by Tuesday lunch then I will reveal all to the world. Further, if my identity is not kept secret, then a plague of marauding coral will be unleashed upon you and your followers.

Astonishing news from nameless undercover reporter Tim Clarke. Short Stuff has been taking lessons from Spencer at Stonebridge Golf Club. "I am very ashamed" said Spencer, "I know that I shouldn't be encouraging Short Stuff and fooling him into thinking that he is getting better, but I need the money".

It appears that we have a secret communist among our number. Late night clandestine drinking sessions discussing the rules revealed him for his true colours - Red. He wants to make sure that we redistribute the wealth. He even went as far as to suggest that, when adding up the team scores for each individual, that the worst AND THE BEST be deleted. The explanation? To make it fairer. You, the reader, may draw your own conclusions. How, you may ask, could it be fairer to give the winners prize to a player who may not actually have won? Hmmmm, the case continues.

6th June 2006 and Ian Clarke is now 50 years old and has been thoughtfully presented with a new Ping G5 driver by the rest of the Gritters.

"It is our sincere hope that he won't be able to hit it" said a spokesman.

Whilst enjoying a barbeque after the match, three senior Gritters were today attacked by a band of marauding coral. It is believed that they are a part of the very dangerous coral known locally as "the very dangerous coral" gang.

No one was hurt, but all were shocked and dismayed. Cock in particular was said to be "tired and emotional" after the ordeal.

23/04/06 - am: Unconfirmed (BUT ACTUALLY TRUE) reports of T.C, spotted buying new Ping G5 driver.

Authorities are investigating claims that a little fat bloke dressed like a fireman with blonde highlights was spotted at the Belfry trying to purchase a dangerous weapon with no previous experience of its use.

"The New Ping driver can be a very dangerous thing for a useless golfer to try and use" said a Gritters spokesman who went on to warn the public, "The only safe place to stand is directly in the middle of the fairway".

"It just goes to show what uncontrolled use of a credit card can lead to" said a close colleague.

A spokesman for the Belfry said "Obviously we cannot comment on individual cases but let me assure you that every precaution is taken before we sell clubs like this. We don't just sell them to just anyone. They must have a major credit card". Rumours are also rife that the Ping Rescue wood has also been purchased. "If he tries to hit that driver, then he will be sure to need the rescue club" said the spokesman. Other sources have revealed that a young golf professional at the Belfry Club has been stripped of his PGA status today following an enquiry into the scandal. He is being comforted at home by his family. A spokesman for the Gritters when asked if funding would be forthcoming to support this young man in his hour of need said "Its nothing to do with us".

AGENCY TELEGRAPHIQUE 24/04/06 pm

Monsieur Oudieuold A'Driver, the French Interior Ministry spokesman today called for calm amidst scenes of mass panic and chaos in the rural districts of northern France. Small hamlets in and around golf courses in Brittany area have experienced a mass exodus of the population. It should be stressed though that reports of locals gathering in picket lines directly in front of 1st tee at Freslonniere are so far unconfirmed.

Using his words carefully he said "The chances of this Englishman making contact with the ball using this driver are not very good and the chances of him hitting it straight are so remote that there is more risk of being bitten by a Thermian Tree Sloth with bird flu".

It is understood that a special sub committee of the NATO security council will later decide to implement a no-fly zone over St Malo and that security will be stepped up at the channel ports of St Malo and Cherbourg following a strong tip off that the perpetrator will shortly be trying to enter the country under the guise of being a real golfer.

As for reports that Greenpeace had moved their toad protection squad into the pools and ponds around Brittany, he commented "Pas de problem. He can't even hit his irons that far".

PGA PRESS 25/04/06 -am

Rumours that Ping are to recall all of their G15 drivers from sale worldwide to stop them falling into the hands of untrained idiots have not been confirmed by the company. The share price remained steady despite the rumours.

PGA TOUR PRESS 26/04/06 - am

In a further development today, it now appears that the driver may not have originated at the Belfry at all. A spokesman said, "we have never sold any items of golfing equipment to the one now known to the authorities as T.C. Not only have we have never sold him anything, I am fairly sure that I have never met him. We have never employed a young professional who would have done such a thing and it is not true that the young person who has recently left our employment in now in a witness protection programme".

B TEAM NEWS LETTER 26/04/06 - pm

There has been a major security alert in a Birmingham suburb this evening. Special forces were called to Edgbaston Golf Club after sightings of a short fat bloke with highlights, resembling Europe's most wanted man "The Fireman" was spotted in a B team match using the now infamous Ping G5 driver on holes 1 through to 11 (including the 151 yard par 3 third).

The driver though had behaved pretty much as predicted in the hands of an idiot with not a single fairway troubled and so, by the time the authorities arrived on the 12th tee, the deadly weapon had been consigned back to the bag and the suspect was apprehended teeing off with his girly driving iron. The nations security forces have since been ordered to stand down from DEFCON 3 to Orange Alert after promises that it would not appear again.

No major casualties have been reported, save for 2 dead Canada geese and a badly bruised Silver Birch on the 6th.

A press conference has been called for 9.30am tomorrow where NATO are expected to make a statement on the growing crisis which is being likened to the great seige of Thermia in 2004.