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MAY 2008 BURNTWOOD AND DISTRICT PARISH COUNCIL MAGAZINE
The future of the Burntwood library was in doubt last night after a series of shocking events occurred. "I have never seen anything like it" said one shocked resident, a Mrs Elsie Hangingbasket. "We quite often like to have some fun here on a Tuesday night, we let our hair down with Cheese and Wine parties, stamp collecting evenings and, most recently, a great night with guest speaker Mr Darrell Fone discussing the building of model railways". He had us all on the edge of our seats.
Last night though may have seen an end to these fun evenings in Burntwood. Mrs Hangingbasket takes up the story. "A gang of what can only be described a middle aged dull people gate crashed our evening. There we were eating cheese and discussing The Prologue to Chaucers Canterbury Tales and really letting ourselves go, when suddenly there were all these people not wearing their National Trust lapel badges demanding extra sugar in their tea. There were playing with their Corgi cars and quietly discussing "Push to Shove" ratios, which I will admit aroused my interest to start with but then realised it meant something else. It is really not good enough and to cap it all, after they had left quietly, we realised that some paper doilies were missing".
An investigation is now underway. Police are looking for some polite dull people, one of whom may be carrying a newly released Corgi Harrington Horsebox Ref DG213001 and a copy of last months Macrame Monthly.
MAY 2008 In a bizarre and dramatic twist of events there is now some doubt over the attendance on this years tour of Mr Darrell Fone. He has a severe diary clash as he has been instructed to attend a training course instead of playing golf. It may be possible to reschedule the course but at the moment, it all hangs in the balance. The four day residential course takes place at Hoar Cross Hall and is entitled "How to make my emails more interesting".
MAY 2008 Knowle Chamber of Commerce Monthly Newsletter An excited spokesman have revealed that that are no less than 47 separate glass companies due to open for business this month. "Apparently there is some lunatic with a five iron hell bent on smashing up greenhouses" said Mr Derek Perspex," this should be a boon for local employment".
MAY 2008
Police were called last night to a bizarre incident in Lady Byron Lane.
"I was in my garden at around 5.45pm, when I heard to the sound of breaking glass" said the owner of a rather splendid property adjacent to the second fairway of Copt Heath golf club. "Two things came immediately to my mind. First, the Nick Lowe hit of 1993 and second, who is smashing up my greenhouse"
Upon investigation, a golf ball was found to be the culprit.
Someone must have done this deliberately, said a police spokesman.
From the position of the greenhouse and the angle of the ball flight, someone must have aimed directly at the greenhouse.
The only other explanation is so bizarre that it cannot possibly be true.
I suppose that a golfer could have had a shank, but it would have to be with a long club like a five iron. Shanking a wedge we could understand, we have all done that, but to shank a five iron would demonstrate a level of incompetence that is simply too difficult to believe.
The authorities remain confident that the culprit will be identified. A Scotland Yard profiler says that the golfer will be "a person struggling so much with his game that he should be giving it up for good but he is unable to face up to reality".
Police have this to go on as well as fingerprint and DNA evidence. Also closer examination of the offending missile revealed a logo. "Easy Air Conditioning".
The Police say that...."We are looking for a terrible golfer with a vacant expression who has recently installed some air conditioning"
April: Knowle Gazette The Noise Abatement Society were called into the Stud bar at Copt Heath Golf Club last night and, in a dramatic twist, nothing much happened. "I thought at first that there was an overturned sheep lorry" said Jurmind Shuttinup, the local area supervisor, "but it turned out to be two old blokes moaning about their handicaps". Comments from other bar users were "I have never heard so much bleating in my life, I thought that perhaps there was an overturned sheep lorry" and " the younger one was dressed nicely and was quite good looking".
APRIL: GRITTERS NEWS Darrell Fone accidentally shoots great score in the Beau Desert medal and gets cut to 10. Just in time for the Gritters Tour next month.
APRIL: COPT HEATH GAZETTE CASH TILL BUYS NEW MIZUNO DRIVER "At first I thought it must be an April Fool joke", commented the assistant professional, "This bloke came in and sort of shuffled around a bit in a shifty sort of way. He asked me if we had any Mizuno drivers. I said that we had lots of them and was there any model in particular that he wanted. He just sort of shook his head like he was ashamed or something. Then he said that the driver wasn't for him but was "for a friend". I didn't believe him but then after I showed him the MP600, he produced a platinum credit card and practically snatched it out of my hands and ran out. It was only afterwards that I realised that I had in fact been talking to the famous Cash Till of Gritters fame. For details of the MP600 see >>>> http://www.gegolf.co.uk/productcart/pc/viewPrd.asp?idproduct=4775&idcategory=95
GRITTERS NEWS: March 2008 In a completely unexpected turn of events, Mr Chris Roach shot 39 points at Copt Heath Golf Club. "I don't know what came over me", said Chris, "I just turned up, hit the ball and hoped for the best. When I added up my score afterwards, I thought that perhaps I must have accidentally played 27 holes".
TELEGRAPH BUSINESS: February 2008 A spokesman for Karsten Ping Inc. today issued a much rosier profits forecast for the coming months. European sales director, Mr Cutty Slappit, said "We have been informed that a very well dressed and colour co-ordinated gentleman of leisure, was been measured for a new set of our clubs at a midlands golf shop and has now taken delivery. We are confident that this is the start of the annual Gritters new club purchasing push. This will obviously help to clear the stockpile of gimmick clubs, driving irons and weird shaped drivers we have amassed in anticipation." The mystery buyer has purchased a set of I10 irons and a rescue club. Mr Slappit refused to be drawn on rumours that the mystery buyer was a trifle overweight, had socks that didn't match, wore a yellow slogan T shirt with red trousers and brown suede shoes and sported a green leather watch strap. KNOWLE ADVERTISER: February 2008 In a bizarre twist yesterday, Mr Chris Roach (Gritters Work and Pensions advisor) offered his resignation when it was disclosed that he had not declared £47.25 of advance trip deposits. Oddly, £12.50 of this amount came from a think tank based in Dorridge that no one can find. "I can't remember much about it" said Cockroach "It was an honest mistake". A spokesman for the Gritters played it down and merely said, "we are happy for Mr Roach to stay on as Trip Organiser, he has made an honest mistake, we put it down to him being an incompetent buffoon". The only spokesperson available for the Gritters was a Mr P. Orky who said "I know nothing about it". Which, of course, is true.
GRITTERS NEWS: January 2008 Four more friends have been invited, Darrell, Winny, Silver Fox and the Narrowboat. See Tour Members page for profiles. The 2008 trip is to St Malo playing Dinard twice, Freslonnierre, Pen Guen and Granville. Seven days altogether with games in the UK either side of the boat trip at Romsey and Stratford. In the words of a popular beat combo "A splendid time is guaranteed for all".
CATERING GAZETTE: 23rd January 2008 47 bread rolls go missing from Knowle restaurant. "they were on the counter at the start of my shift" said the waiter, "I swear I only left them alone for a minute or two, but some bloke just scoffed the lot". He had his eyes covered in a bandana so the only description I can offer is that he kept saying "Ho Hum, nice in here isn't it, any more bread"?
AFFILIATED PRESS: January 2008 Astonishing as it may seem, despite the fact that the 2008 tour is now but 16 weeks away, no one has bought a new set of clubs. Not even TC. This is news indeed. Meanwhile, reports of huge stocks of brand new clubs, stockpiled in warehouses around the midlands have been confirmed. Lack of purchasing by The Gritters has been blamed for the crisis. However ,the one known as "Short Stuff" is believed to have secretly purchased yet another state of the art driver, which no doubt will be on sale by day three of the trip. If anyone needs a brand new Ping that has never been hit properly they should email us immediately. Meanwhile, T.C. has been invited to attend a "golf clothing for the next century focus group review"
SOLIHULL GAZETTE NEWS: December 2007 Gritters Christmas Lunch at a secret location in Dorridge. After much squabbling, the Itinerary is confirmed for next year and we are returning to St Malo. Decision taken to invite four more friends to join next year's trip.
November 2007 Contents of Cash Till's golf bag re examined and updated, see Tour Members page for details. Complex changes to the scoring system are proposed to stop Cash Till winning.
CHANNEL4 NEWS: Several new applications have been received and all loans returned. There are still limited spaces available to be considered for Honorary Grittership. Simply take the Personality Test and apply.........
GRITTERS PRESS RELEASE: The "Cash for Honorary Grittership" scandal has exploded. The Gritters committee deny any wrongdoing but questions have been asked in the pub. It appears that Honorary Gritters Memberships are being handed out like confetti in return for undisclosed "Loans". The Gritters have always claimed that there is a lengthy in depth process of scrutinisation which considers the applicants worthiness to be included. "Applicants willingness to loan the Gritters some money has never been a factor" said a Gritters spokesperson. "It is just a coincidence" said another. A third spokesman (one Mr P. Orky) said "I know nothing about it" Which, of course, is true.
REUTERS, ASSOCIATED PRESS, BALTIC REVIEW, AGENCE FRANCE PRESSE, BBC WORLD, GOLF MONTHLY In a dramatic and bizarre twist of fate, the handicap of Mr Chris Roach was dramatically and bizarrely altered yesterday to be 15 strokes. "This is not before time" said the beleaguered Mr Roach, " I have been struggling with desperately bad swing mechanics for some time now and I believe that the handicap of only 12 was a major factor in my poor showing in the 2007 Gritters event when I finished in last place". A spokesman for the Gritters Golf Society commented "Naturally we are all very pleased for Chris. the new 15 handicap can only be of great benefit. It is pretty obvious that he has been suffering lately with only 12 shots to play with, now that he is off 15 we hope that he will be more competitive". A detailed analysis of the scoring on the 2007 Gritters tour reveals that, had Chris been playing off 15 and not 12, then he would have finished er.... last.
Old Bulls V Young Bulls (Annual event: Year 5) 24 hopefuls (including some of the Gritters) descended upon the Bournemouth area to play a Ryder Cup format 12 oldest v 12 youngest. The courses played included Parkstone and Queens Park. A jolly good time was had by all and the Young Bulls won for the second time.
USA FEDERAL HEALTH TODAY: WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to think you can sing. GRITTERS WEB NEWS The Gritters are back! T.C. has won his very first event! The 2007 tour movie edited edition is on the site. The full version is available on a DVD on request.
GRITTERS WEB NEWS FLASH MAY 2007 The Gritters are actually on tour right now. (Though not much is happening).
GRITTERS WEB NEWS FLASH T.C. shoots 39 points in the opening round of the 2007 Gritters tour prequel held at Willesley Park. "I just wonder if he can keep it up" commented a spokesperson.
COPT HEATH WEB SITE John Mayers, the well known Bon Vivant sepia finished estate agent's minder, today shot a net 68 and net 70 (par 72) in the 36 hole Final Medal. This is astonishing for two reasons. First, John has managed to get around 36 holes, no small achievement in itself! Second, this means that, in the critical period just before the Gritters Tour, he has been cut to an exact handicap of 9.0. A Gritters spokesman was unavailable for comment, they were all too busy laughing. Well done John.
Late postscript: Just when you think things could not get any worse, they suddenly do. Napster has discovered that, because Tippy has won a "main board" competition and his name is to be etched in gold and subsequently revered forever, the committee have a habit of making a further handicap reduction based upon "General Play". Thus it could be that another WHOLE shot (Yes, you read that correctly: A whole shot) may be deducted leaving Tippy to play off a handicap of only 8. John has always been physically okay but with his dignity occasionally in tatters (viz. falling into Harbour) Now there is every chance that the mental side may join forces with the dignity. Odds of a Tippy victory have risen substantially and the betting on Tippy finishing in last place has been suspended due to an avalanche of internet placements. In the event, John was cut to 8 halfway through the tour.
BELFRY PRO SHOP : NEWS FLASH : ALL NETWORKS: GUESS WHO IS WEARING THESE? yes, that's right.
Putt Yer Helmetonn Firmly the Third, Chief Executive of the giant Footjoy corporation ,resigned his post today. His resignation comes after the worst trading period in the company's history. Shares in the company plummeted on the New York stock exchange as it was revealed the company has only sold one pair of shoes worldwide in the past month. The alarming drop in sales has been blamed on the sales and marketing team's decision to produce a lime green shoe. A spokesman for the company said "Putt has fallen on his sword over this one. Footjoy's reputation has been built on style and quality, who in their right mind would ever buy lime green golf shoes"! The marketing department's responses was that, following a recent focus group research initiative, they were "aiming at the poorly sighted gay fireman with highlights but no sense of style market". "Frankly, I'm amazed we even sold one pair" said the European Sales Director, "they must have been bought as some sort of sick joke". Remaining stocks of these shoes are now being recalled with some haste.
GCHQ Intercept: Mysterious message received.............. To: Gritters. I am a renowned mathematician of some renown and a part time Maoist sympathiser and carpet fitter. I have spotted a fatal flaw in your scoring system. I require that the sum of $4,000,000 ( Four million) is deposited in the account of the "Thermian Country Insurgent Socialists Against Totalitarian Warring And Tyranny" (TC IS A TWAT) at the Dorridge branch of Nat West please. If this money is not there by Tuesday lunch then I will reveal all to the world. Further, if my identity is not kept secret, then a plague of marauding coral will be unleashed upon you and your followers.
The Red One p.s. I mean it
REUTERS Astonishing news from nameless undercover reporter Tim Clarke. Short Stuff has been taking lessons from Spencer at Stonebridge Golf Club. "I am very ashamed" said Spencer, "I know that I shouldn't be encouraging Short Stuff and fooling him into thinking that he is getting better, but I need the money".
BBC NEWS: April 2007 Reports that a Trotskyite plot to infiltrate The Gritters have been rubbished by a source close to the heart of the Midlands based secret society. The source, who wished to remain nameless, said " I can honestly say that The Gritters are the most self interested bunch of people you would ever meet, and I would immediately have noticed a Left Wing idealist amongst their number. I think that the public have fallen foul of some devilish propaganda stunt, mostly likely from the one known as "Clarkie", one of the more openly selfish members of the group." PGA TOUR PRESS ROOM :APRIL 2007 It appears that we have a secret communist among our number. Late night clandestine drinking sessions discussing the rules revealed him for his true colours - Red. He wants to make sure that we redistribute the wealth. He even went as far as to suggest that, when adding up the team scores for each individual, that the worst AND THE BEST be deleted. The explanation? To make it fairer. You, the reader, may draw your own conclusions. How, you may ask, could it be fairer to give the winners prize to a player who may not actually have won? Hmmmm, the case continues.
BIRMINGHAM EVENING MAIL: November 2006 Discussions about next years trip are in full swing. opinions are divided between 1. Lets just do the same thing again, if it ain't broke don't fix it 2. Lets fly to Nice or La Rochelle 3. Lets drive to La Baule (and back) and perhaps enter the Paris Dakar rally the week before
The anticipation starts to build even now.............
INTERNATIONAL FILMS PRESS RELEASE: August 2006. Gritters DVD showing some highlights from the last few years now available. Click here GRITTERS VIDEO
KNOWLE ADVERTISER : JULY 2006 News of the Copt Heath Invitation is that Harry's team came second and Cock's team came third. Ian's team won the Edgbaston Invitation with a score of 89 despite a lightening and heavy rain delayed start. Nice party at Cash Till's house afterwards.
HELLO MAGAZINE: JUNE 2006 6th June 2006 and Ian Clarke is now 50 years old and has been thoughtfully presented with a new Ping G5 driver by the rest of the Gritters. "It is our sincere hope that he won't be able to hit it" said a spokesman.
OCEANOGRAPHY TODAY: 30th June 2006 Whilst enjoying a barbeque after the match, three senior Gritters were today attacked by a band of marauding coral. It is believed that they are a part of the very dangerous coral known locally as "the very dangerous coral" gang. No one was hurt, but all were shocked and dismayed. Cock in particular was said to be "tired and emotional" after the ordeal.
GOLF MONTHLY NEWS: MAY 2006 Gritters go on tour, not much happened
PGA TOUR NEWS: April 2006 23/04/06 - am: Unconfirmed (BUT ACTUALLY TRUE) reports of T.C, spotted buying new Ping G5 driver.
Authorities are investigating claims that a little fat bloke dressed like a fireman with blonde highlights was spotted at the Belfry trying to purchase a dangerous weapon with no previous experience of its use.
"The New Ping driver can be a very dangerous thing for a useless golfer to try and use" said a Gritters spokesman who went on to warn the public, "The only safe place to stand is directly in the middle of the fairway".
"It just goes to show what uncontrolled use of a credit card can lead to" said a close colleague.
BELFRY PRESS OFFICE 24/04/06 - am A spokesman for the Belfry said "Obviously we cannot comment on individual cases but let me assure you that every precaution is taken before we sell clubs like this. We don't just sell them to just anyone. They must have a major credit card". Rumours are also rife that the Ping Rescue wood has also been purchased. "If he tries to hit that driver, then he will be sure to need the rescue club" said the spokesman. Other sources have revealed that a young golf professional at the Belfry Club has been stripped of his PGA status today following an enquiry into the scandal. He is being comforted at home by his family. A spokesman for the Gritters when asked if funding would be forthcoming to support this young man in his hour of need said "Its nothing to do with us". AGENCY TELEGRAPHIQUE 24/04/06 pm Monsieur Oudieuold A'Driver, the French Interior Ministry spokesman today called for calm amidst scenes of mass panic and chaos in the rural districts of northern France. Small hamlets in and around golf courses in Brittany area have experienced a mass exodus of the population. It should be stressed though that reports of locals gathering in picket lines directly in front of 1st tee at Freslonniere are so far unconfirmed.
Using his words carefully he said "The chances of this Englishman making contact with the ball using this driver are not very good and the chances of him hitting it straight are so remote that there is more risk of being bitten by a Thermian Tree Sloth with bird flu". It is understood that a special sub committee of the NATO security council will later decide to implement a no-fly zone over St Malo and that security will be stepped up at the channel ports of St Malo and Cherbourg following a strong tip off that the perpetrator will shortly be trying to enter the country under the guise of being a real golfer.
As for reports that Greenpeace had moved their toad protection squad into the pools and ponds around Brittany, he commented "Pas de problem. He can't even hit his irons that far".
PGA PRESS 25/04/06 -am Rumours that Ping are to recall all of their G5 drivers from sale worldwide to stop them falling into the hands of untrained idiots have not been confirmed by the company. The share price remained steady despite the rumours.
BIRMINGHAM EVENING MAIL 25/04/06 late pm It is also understood that Edgbaston Golf Club are investigating the recent theft of blank handicap certificates.
PGA TOUR PRESS 26/04/06 - am In a further development today, it now appears that the driver may not have originated at the Belfry at all. A spokesman said, "we have never sold any items of golfing equipment to the one now known to the authorities as T.C. Not only have we have never sold him anything, I am fairly sure that I have never met him. We have never employed a young professional who would have done such a thing and it is not true that the young person who has recently left our employment in now in a witness protection programme".
B TEAM NEWS LETTER 26/04/06 - pm There has been a major security alert in a Birmingham suburb this evening. Special forces were called to Edgbaston Golf Club after sightings of a short fat bloke with highlights, resembling Europe's most wanted man "The Fireman" was spotted in a B team match using the now infamous Ping G5 driver on holes 1 through to 11 (including the 151 yard par 3 third). The driver though had behaved pretty much as predicted in the hands of an idiot with not a single fairway troubled and so, by the time the authorities arrived on the 12th tee, the deadly weapon had been consigned back to the bag and the suspect was apprehended teeing off with his girly driving iron. The nations security forces have since been ordered to stand down from DEFCON 3 to Orange Alert after promises that it would not appear again. No major casualties have been reported, save for 2 dead Canada geese and a badly bruised Silver Birch on the 6th. A press conference has been called for 9.30am tomorrow where NATO are expected to make a statement on the growing crisis which is being likened to the great seige of Thermia in 2004.
NATO PRESS 27/04/06 -AM "We now realise that we may have over reacted a little to this. At first we thought that this could be really serious but now close observers have revealed that TC has trouble hitting this driver at all. When he does make contact the results are fairly predictable, a high girly slap with a slice that goes about 150 yards. Obviously we need to provide some additional help for the wildlife that will be disturbed and the trees that will be damaged, but I think we can safely say that the worst is past".
GERRY ANDERSON PRODUCTIONS PRESS RELEASE 27/04/06 - pm A mysterious broadcast was today picked up by Thunderbird 5. It defiant tones it said. "I deny it all, my first round with the G5 resulted in 37 points. I hit quite a lot of fairways and the only reason I used the 1 iron on the 12th was for tactical lay up purposes. If I hadn't made double bogey on 17 I would have had 39 points. The tree on the 6th hole was already damaged and by the way, they are not highlights, my hair is naturally like that". GCHQ are trying to track the source of the call.
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