Do you want to be an honorary Gritter? Do you have what it takes?
The election to the status of Honorary Gritter is in the hands of the Gritters Committee. They will review your application and make a binding decision. Complete the personality test below and discover if you are made of the "the Right Stuff". You need a score of 21 points or better to be considered. Send your test result and the answers to the supplementary questions to us by email together with a photo and state in not more than 5,000 words why you want to be an honorary Gritter. Application form is at the bottom of this page.
It is the first day in France, you are a bit tired from the late night on the ferry. It is 8.30am, misty with a slight drizzle in the air, you are on the first tee, it is your turn to play your shot, do you
a) Insist upon everyone being very quiet, study the course planner, check the wind, select a club, take a measured practise swing, address the ball and make a smooth stroke sending the ball soaring majestically up the centre of the fairway.
b) Hope no one is watching as you hit a thinned duck hook 130 yards into the left hand rough.
c) Have to be woken up, light up your ninth cigarette of the day, select your 6 iron (irrespective of how far the shot is) have a wild swishing practise swing and knob it into the bushes just in front of the tee.
d) Order a kebab
It is the first night on the boat. You have just eaten a very pleasant steak and chips and had a couple of glasses of a really quite acceptable red wine. The group now move into the piano bar. Do you:
a) Stay for just one soft drink and then retire to your cabin because it is important to feel alert and refreshed for the second round tomorrow
b) Join in with the singing, have perhaps just a few too many to drink and retire after a jolly good night.
c) Get completely wrecked as fast as possible then insist upon singing the words of "My Old Man's a Dustman" to every song and finally have to be escorted back to your cabin by the security staff.
It is Day Three at Dinard and you tee off in an hour. You are a little peckish and fancy some lunch. Do you:
a) Wander over to the pro shop and purchase a mars bar, some peanuts and a bottle of water because you need to balance your sugar and salt levels and it is important not to eat too much before the round.
b) Have a croque monsieur from the bar.
c) Completely demolish the buffet that has been prepared for the Dinard members who are playing in the Captain's Day competition.
It is almost 2.00am and you have had a good meal in a good restaurant, spent some hours around the piano having a great time and followed that by a pleasant hour in the hotel bar. Do you:
a) Go to bed
b) Go for a quick walk along the beach, admire the moonlight and then go to bed.
c) Go for a walk on the beach, end up in a seedy bar, discuss the meaning of life, lose your way coming back to the hotel and accidentally fall into the harbour and narrowly escape being arrested.
It is the last night, you are in a really nice restaurant. Do you:
a) Study the menu and, using your excellent knowledge of the French language, make an informed choice of meal taking the time to help the others make their choices too.
b) Rely upon someone who forgets to order your main course so that all of you sit there for two hours waiting for a main course that has not been ordered.
c) Start to show off and ask the waiter in perfect French for some mixed starters to arrive whilst the main courses are considered, unfortunately though the French word for "mixed" escapes your memory and you end up gesticulating wildly and finishing your sentence in English with a really bad French accent.
You are on the 12th fairway at Val Andre, despite the tired and aching muscles you have managed to scrape together 16 points on the front nine but, courtesy of two long putts, have made par (with a shot) on both the tenth and eleventh to miraculously get back to level twos.
You suddenly realise that this is now by far and away your most impressive performance of the tour so far and it is really important now to finish well. You have hit a good drive and you are contemplating your uphill 4 wood to a tight green when you experience an overwhelming desire to break wind. Do you:
a) Clench your muscles tightly and suppress it. After all it is hardly pleasant to break wind in front of your fellow competitors.
b) Sneak off to the side of the fairway and let one go quietly.
c) Push down hard and let out a really loud one but accidentally follow through ruining your underwear. This means that you have to spend the next ten minutes in a rhododendron bush sorting yourself out and have to throw away your expensive Wentworth towel. You promptly knob your four wood thirty yards and then thin a four iron over the back ending up in an unraked shoe depression in a bunker on a downhill lie. You leave one in the bunker and end up on the green fully forty feet from the hole having taken five shots. Your well struck putt for a six net five for one point lips out.
It is the last day and tensions are high and the scores are tight. You are about to go out first with the leader. On the first tee, despite much preparation, he knobs his drive thirty yards left into the lake. Do you:
a) Say nothing.
b) say something supportive and put your arm around his shoulder.
c) burst out laughing, remind him that he will need to improve greatly if he is to win and then, still giggling, knob your own tee shot and follow him in to the water.
You have tried to play golf this morning but a thunderstorm has caused play to be abandoned. An hour later the weather has brightened and you are about to go out but one of your number did not bring a change of clothes. You find him in the poorly stocked pro shop trying on some check trousers and a ladies pink jumper with a floral design. Do you:
a) Say "Don't be stupid, that looks silly, please borrow my spare shirt and put these waterproof trousers on"
b) Say "that doesn't look quite right, try these grey trousers and this blue jumper on".
c) Say "Wow, that looks great" and then enquire of the assistant if he has any more of that outfit in stock and then immediately rush outside to tell the others.
As usual you are off to play golf this morning but are a little unsure of where the golf course is.
a) Simply switch on your Satellite Navigation system and insert the "France in Detail" DVD that you thoughtfully brought along. Then set off well ahead of time comfortable in the knowledge that the technology will guide you smoothly and effortlessly to your destination with plenty of time for some practise on the range, a coffee and perhaps a light snack.
b) Set off in what you hope is the general direction and, when you know you surely cannot be too far away now, ask a local person for guidance using the set of phrases that you prepared earlier.
c) Get up an hour later than planned with a headache, rush breakfast and grumpily dismiss all questions and well intentioned advice about the course location and the best route to take saying, "just follow me". Then set off in in a hurry and arrive in a little village that you remember from your cursory examination of the map is in exactly the wrong direction. Go around the island twice and head back the way you came. In an effort to make it look like this was the route that you planned you take a left turn and comment that "this was the right that we missed earlier, these road signs are pretty awful aren't they"? Carry on following your nose for another half an hour and then arrive back in the same village. Now have a massive squabble with the four in the other car who now insist that they take the lead. Deliberately now take a different road to them out of the village. Eventually arrive at the golf course 2 minutes before your tee time to discover with glee that the other car has not yet arrived and so immediately hurl all your gear over to the first tee and stand around nonchalantly making it look like you have been there for ages as they come screaming into the car park from the other direction less than a minute later.
How well did you do?
For each question the scoring is as follows
a) 1 point
b) 3 points
c) 5 points
d) minus 30 points
9 points (or less):
You are not a Gritter, in fact we are not even sure why you bothered to take this test. We suggest that you take up an activity more suited to your personality such as train spotting or basket weaving. Your application for honorary membership will not succeed, please do not apply.
between 10 and 18 points
You are an incurable romantic and like nothing better than to arrive home early with an expensive present and then spend a quiet night in with your partner with a glass or two of expensive wine watching an old episode of Inspector Morse admiring your new oak flooring. It is highly unlikely that an application for honorary membership from you would succeed unless there are extenuating circumstances. You could of course offer to loan the Gritters huge sums of money.
Between 19 and 26 points
You tend to enjoy order in your life but yearn for more excitement. This is why, from time to time, you dress up as a fireman and purchase Ping Drivers that you can't hit.
between 27 and 33 points
You have always been seen by others as a bit of an oddball. You probably have an odd hobby such as collecting logo golf balls from different golf clubs and putting them on display in your downstairs toilet. You are good with abstract ideas but poor with practical things like chipping.
Between 33 and 39 points
It is likely that you would make a good tourist and that you would enjoy the Gritters tour. So your application for honorary membership will be viewed positively. Remember the Gritters Motto though that
"Il n'est pas toujours facile d'avoir une bon temps"
(it is not always easy to have a good time).
40 points or over:
You are either a true Gritter in every sense of the word or you have cheated.
Either way, you are almost certainly exactly the sort of person we are looking for. Please apply immediately for Honorary membership.
Cut and paste the words below and email them to us:
I, ....................., wish to be considered for honorary membership of the Gritters Tour.
I certify that I scored ....... in the test.
My age is:
My occupation is:
My location is:
My favourite course is:
My second favourite jam is:
My shoe size is:
My distinguishing marks are:
I want to be an honorary Gritter because.......
(not more than 5,000 words please)
I understand that my name may be passed on to various marketing organisations for a fee and that I am likely to be deluged with junk mail trying to sell me timeshares, second hand golf clubs, a range of discarded hardback books that nobody wants and a selection of gardening equipment.