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Porky's Problem Page

        A page dedicated to answering all of your golfing

        related problems, dealt with by our resident specialist golfing guru.

        If you need expert help, send in your problems to Porky's Problems.

        "Hope that helps"!



Dear Porky,

I am having trouble on the golf course "Getting into the Zone". I start off playing really well, I hit some great shots, I make a few pars, perhaps a birdie and my scorecard is looking great. Then, for no apparent reason, my mind wanders off and I start thinking about what I had for breakfast, the food I might have for lunch and the menu at the meal tonight. Before you know it I have thinned one over the back and taken a seven on a par three. I just cannot seem to concentrate for 18 holes without thinking about food.

Can you help please?

Yours sincerely, Perplexed of Peterborough.


Dear Perplexed of Peterborough ,

I know exactly how you feel.

Just remember that a great golf game is hard to find.

Although the hardest thing of all to find is a black cat is a dark room.

(Especially if there is no cat).

Hope that helps.

Regards, Porky


Dear Porky

We have a major dilemma and we need your urgent help and expert guidance!

We have been a jolly golfing society for many years, experiencing many happy times ďsocial events, out for a drink or two and even the odd break in France.Ē

Recently though we have been faced with a major problem. One of our flock seems to have gone missing from the field. He is sending out emails to the rest of us that are very dull. None of the stories have any point to them, the jokes are not funny and the anecdotes are boring in the extreme.

To put it into your terminology ďHe is definitely one loaf short of a basket.Ē

It has reached the stage where we all dread getting an email from him because we know that it will be lacklustre and we don't want to spend our time reading a tediously lengthy splurge of insipid, dreary, monotonous drivel.

How can we approach the individual (we donít mind hurting his feelings if thatís what it takes) without having to exclude him from our close knit group?

Yours sincerely, Dill and Emma

P.S. I am not sure that bread will help the situation.


Dear Dill and Emma,

Are you completely convinced that bread wonít help? I must say that I have found it to be the answer to most situations.

You say that you donít mind hurting his feelings? Well then the solution is surely obvious. Hurt them. I don't know the individual that you are talking about, but I can hazard a guess. If it is the chap I am thinking of then tell him that his short game is crap and that he canít play the piano for toffee. That should do it.

But, have some bread standing by just in case.

Hope that helps




Dear Porky,

Help me pleese, you are my last risort. I keep shanking and can't stop. the other day I even shanked my 5 iron into someone's gardin and broke a window in a greenhowse. I can feal my temper rising and I have started to slam my club into the ground a lot. Obvioulsy I wud like to keep this quiet so pleese dont tell thge others.

Pleese pleese pleese help me.

In Desperation

(Name withheld)


Dear Neal,

You may be striking the ball too close to the shaft hosel, and it will send the ball far to the right.   I also have experienced this problem, and I found a couple of ways to cure it.   In my case, I was standing with too much weight on my toes.  When I put a little more weight on my heels, the problem disappeared.   Another possible reason for those who have a rather flat swing plane is that the harder you swing, the more the clubhead extends farther from your body due to centrifugal force, increasing the chance of striking the ball on the hosel.  If you like swinging hard, try a more upright swing plane. You may also wish to consider you dietary regime. Add a little more ballast to your bottom by eating more bread and dairy products.

Hope that helps



p.s. Just to cheer you up, the Gritters have written a song about it. See SONGS about Neal


Dear Porky,

I am having some trouble with my putting. Yes, I hole my fair share of putts but I fear that this is more to do with luck than judgement. My problem is this, rather than use my arms and shoulders as a pivot, I hit the ball almost entirely with a flick of my wrists. The result is that the ball is usually on line but I have almost no control over the pace at all. I am very short or very long or in the hole. Please help me. How can I take my wrists out of putting stroke?

Yours sincerely

Anxious, Arbroath


Dear Anxious of Arbroath.

Studying my silky smooth putting stroke now on video it is probably hard for you to believe, but I used to putt like that too.

The answer is to think about food more often and hold your breath on your backswing.

Hope that helps.





Dear Porky,

I have a major problem. I play some very nice golf with some nice straight shots, but like everybody else, every now and again I hit one very astray and my ball will finish in an impossible place. usually it is in some woods behind some trees and in deep rough.

My problem is that when I get to the ball, instead of accepting my punishment and going for a safe chip out sideways,  I always look for that elusive "window of opportunity". Although my ball is not in a good lie, my backswing is hampered, the green is 220 yards away and I am surrounded by trees, I immediately spot a small gap in the foliage about 100 yards away about the size of a dustbin lid and I convince myself that I can punch a 4 iron through it, get the ball on or near the green and save a par.

How can I stop myself from doing this?

Yours, in turmoil, Careless, Coventry.



Dear Careless of Coventry,


I have never read such self serving piffle in my life ! You must be a complete idiot if you think you can behave in such cavalier fashion on a golf course.

Now, pull yourself together, stop being such an utter moron and eat more bread.

Hope that helps.

Regards, Porky 



Dear Porky,

I am a 25 handicap golfer so probably very similar to you.

I have heard a lot in the press recently about the new "Stack and Tilt" golf swing being used by many of the top professionals. Could you advise me about this? Should I be using this new method and what are your thoughts about it?

Yours, Beginner, Birmingham.


Dear Beginner of Birmingham,

I have never heard of it.

Just walk up to the ball, pick whatever club takes your fancy, give it a good solid bash and try to keep your mind off food.

That's all there is to it.

Hope that helps.

Regards, Porky


Dear Porky,

It is pretty clear that being fit, taking regular exercise and a balanced diet are all essential ingredients for good golf. I wondered if you could give me some advice about this?

Yours, Kevin of Kidderminster.


Dear Kevin of Kidderminster,

You are completely correct about the balanced diet. I find that if I have a baguette in one hand, I usually need something to balance it in the other. An apple pie perhaps or some dumplings.

As for regular exercise, I recommend a game of golf every now and again.

Hope that helps.

Regards, Porky.


Dear Porky

Lets be clear, I understand a lot of things in life. I understand how to buy a house, how the post office works, traffic jams, why snow melts, why double glazing is a good idea, how to insure my car, how to keep a banana fresh and how to get to France on a ferry.

But !!!!

One thing I have never understood is how a golf swing works.

Can you please explain it to me in laymans terms?


Baffled, Bedford.


Dear Baffled,

You know, it is so obvious and yet, as you point out, sometimes so elusive.

here is a useful diagram that I think sums it all up very neatly.

schematic of golf swing

 R is the radius of the golfer's swing

P is the grip location where the golfer is holding on to the club

G is the center of mass of the golf club

lG is the distance from P to the center of mass of the golf club

θ is the swing angle the golfer's arms make with the vertical

α is the angle the golf club makes with the golfer's arms

To put it very simply, it turns out that you have to give the ball a really hard thump.

This explains it:

linear velocity of club head for golf swing

As you can clearly see the Cosine Theta declines to zero just after a heavy lunch.

So, to sum up, have some bread, give the ball a good thump with whichever club takes your fancy. They all go the same distance anyway.

Hope that helps