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After much squabbling.......


These are the rules for the Eclectic based competitions that have taken place over the years.

Individual Events:

We will play an individual stableford every day with cash prizes down to third place. There will be six rounds of golf in total. Each day the finishing position for each player will be recorded (1st = 12 points, 2 = 11 and so on).

Also, each round will be recorded for the Eclectic competition.


Team Event:

Given that we shall be playing in fours, there will be a team event each day where the best two scores from four will count, the best team and the second team will get some cash from the kitty.

Each day on a master sheet the players team score for that day plus the points score of his position that day. (e.g. team score of 80, player came third for 10 points, score that day = 90)


At the end of the tour, the players occupying the top four places will be adjudged to be the team event winners, declared the best team players and given some money. The next four will be known as Div2. 



The Rules: Power of the Committee: (see photo)


All parties and players be they of the first or second parts are bound by and subject to the following the following. Be they notwithstanding any abrupt or sudden variation, modification or other alteration either in part or in whole as may be determined providing that it is completely convenient from time to time with absolutely no notice or consultation by the committee who, being of one association, shall have nominated themselves to office and therefore naturally not  be subject to any electoral procedure or other accountability, these are:


The Rules for all Tours that play the eclectic, individual and team competitions

1. Each Round.

Each full 18 hole game will be played as an individual stableford with prizes down to 3rd place each day.

In addition there will be a "two from four to count" team prize each day.

Should a particular round need to be abandoned due to the inclemency of the weather or more than half of the players involved being arrested, then a whole new set of procedures will come into force - see below.

The winner and other places will be determined by the players who achieve the highest number of points on that day. If the points are equal then the money prize is shared. (Although the actual order recorded onto the master score sheets (and therefore your individual team points scored that day) will be determined by better back nine, back six, back three, back one and how argumentative you are).


If the team event score is a tie then the  money is shared.


2. a) The Eclectic.

The eclectic scores will be taken from 4 of the 6 rounds played.


In the event of a tie for the winning spot in the Final Eclectic (which has happened quite a few times now including in 2009 and 2011) then the money is shared but the title of Best Eclectic winner shall be decided by the better back nine, then back six, back three and back final hole.


If this is still a tie, then we shall take the total points scored for all eight rounds. If still a tie, then the lower handicapper takes it.


2. b) the Total points

The player with the most stableford points shall be declared the player with the most stableford points.


2. c) the Title of Tour Winner

In the finishing sequence for the eclectic each player will be given points (1st = 12, 2nd = 11 etc) and the same will be done for the finishing sequence of Best Points total.

Each player will have his points added together from both. (Example, Player finishes 3rd in the Eclectic for 10 points and 5th in the Best stableford for 8 points, his Tour total is 18 points). The highest total is declared TOUR WINNER.

If a player wins both and achieves 24 points, then he is declared SUPREME CHAMPION TOUR WINNER.


3. Handicap Adjustments.


The current method is:


a) Anyone finishing 8 shots or more behind the winning score that day gets ONE shot back for tomorrow only. 15 shots - 2 shots

b) Winners (no matter what the score) are NOT docked a shot.


Example: Winning score today = 38. Anyone with a score of 30 points or less has an additional shot tomorrow. 23 points = 2 shots for tomorrow


Worked Example: Player B plays off 15 and finishes last having achieved a paltry 17 points. The winning score that day was 38. He will now be playing off 17 for the next round. Assuming he does not finish more than 8 behind the winner again, he will be back to 15 for the next round. If, when he was playing off 17 in the next round he manages to finish in last place again (with perhaps another truly awful performance) then he will play with a handicap of 17. (i.e. his extra shots are taken away from him but he is then awarded again).

Note: Any resemblance to the scores above of a real person (e.g. Cock) are purely coincidental.


4. Other Competitions

From time to time there may be additional side competitions such as, but not limited to, The Secret Partner Challenge, The Texas Scramble, The Dogging at Dunes Trophy and The Scamper round Gloria, the Sultan Strap On.    Any other ancillary competition played either during or immediately prior to the tour does not count for handicapping purposes. This includes practising putting or chipping before a round.


5.  Prize Fund

All players shall contribute equally to the prizes fund at breakfast or on the plane on the first day even though some of them have no chance at all of winning anything.

The amount to have been determined by numerous phone calls, special pleadings and other haggling in the weeks leading up to the tour.

Late payment penalty is One Euro per nano second from the moment we say it is.


6. Side Competitions

Winners of the "side competitions" such as best par threes etc shall be deemed equal if the score is equal. 

There will be no artificial considerations to determine the winner and the money shall be shared.


7. a) Best Team Player.

Each day each player will add his team score e.g. 84 points (from the 2 from 4 to count) to his position points. (1st = 12 points, 2 = 11 points.....etc

This amount is placed on the "Team Player Master Sheet" each day. At the end of eight rounds, the four players with the highest totals are adjudged to be the BEST TEAM, the next four are adjudged to be DIV 2.

Example: Your fourball scored 84 points using the 2 from 4 to count. You personally finished third that day, so you add 10 points to the 84 and your TEAM POINTS for that day are 94.


7 b) Best Par Threes, Best Par Fives. Total points scored. Most holes played without a blob, others.....

Awarded to those players who achieve the best totals, though, note that you can only win one. They are awarded in the sequence shown.


8. Booby Prize

This is the pointless photograph awarded to the player achieving the most blobs over the total of the rounds played.  This does not count as a prize in the strictest sense, and therefore anyone can win it.

It is thus possible (as demonstrated by Cash Till) to win the competition, win the best par threes and still collect the photograph  (The photograph must then be on permanent display in the winner's house)

In the event of a tie, the unfortunate recipient will be that player who blobbed last.


9. Trophy

a) In the unlikely event of there actually being anyone foolish enough to have purchased a trophy, then the tour winner shall immediately dispose of it in a thoughtful way. (perhaps hurl it into a lake). On being presented with the trophy, he will then attempt to say a few words that no one will be interested in.


b) The winner each year should really buy a tacky trophy for the following year although this happens rarely.


10.  Attendance

It is fully understood by all participants that, should they elect not to attend on particular year, then there is no automatic right of re entry the following year.

You will probably have to wait for some one to die.

Even then, there is no automatic right to an invitation, we will probably invite someone new.


11. Data protection waiver

It is fully understood by all parties be they of the first or second parts that all names and addresses together with any list of personal preferences be they obtained in confidence or not and irrespective of whether they are rather grubby in nature and would rather be kept secret (such as a tendency to follow through when breaking wind, or a penchant for dressing up as a gay fireman) may be passed on to various marketing organisations at a profit.


12. Tour profits

All money raised, accidentally found or left over or earned by modelling fees, video performance fees, voiceovers are to be used as the committee sees fit provided that they are used in a cause compatible with the furtherance and promotion of  Gritters Golf. Whether or not the cause is deemed to be a "fitting" one is to be decided by the committee.


13. Unforeseen Situations

In the event of a situation arising not covered by the rules that affects the entire group, such as abandonment due to bad weather, ferry strike, car malfunction, mass oversleeping, arrest or deportation or other event beyond our control, it is agreed that we play it by ear.


14. Missing a round

Any individual player missing any round  or electing to walk in after only a few holes for whatever reason can hazard a guess as to what would happen. 

Excuses such as 

"I am recovering from a broken arm, dislocated shoulder and severe concussion that I sustained whilst skiing last week, I have a severe hangover and am suffering from dehydration due to staying up until 2.00am drinking port and, because I just ate a massive breakfast, I urgently need a dump" 

will butter no parsnips with the committee.


15. Match Arrangements

There will no fiddling with the match arrangements trying to engineer yourself into a four ball of your choice.

There is a table of match arrangements that has been carefully drawn up using the fourth derivative of

a complex statistical counter rotating spatial algorithm and other mathematical buggering around.


Each player will have a letter randomly allocated and the match arrangements for the following day will be drawn from the remaining choices from the table at dinner or nominated by the winner that day.


16. Hall of Shame

Last place will be decided in the fashion as Tour Winner and become elected to the "Hall of Shame". Bottom place in the Eclectic will simply be known as "Bottom place in the Eclectic, bottom place in the Stableford points will be known as "Bottom place in the Stableford", adding the points together for both, the player will the lowest total will be elected to Hall of Shame. More importantly though, he will be obliged to place a photograph of something decided upon through the year in his house for 12 months. This can be a photo of last years winner or loser, some grass cuttings, the back of a ferry, a field in France somewhere or something else.

In the event of a tie the recipient will be decided by the worst back nine etc.

If a player finishes bottom in both and scores just two points, he will be declared "Supreme Bottom" and his name will be in Bold on the web site list.


17. Rule 17

There is currently no rule 17. This is a spare rule set aside in case we quickly need to decide something


18. Behaviour of players on tour.

After some debate the following are agreed

a) it is acceptable for a tour member to own a bicycle called Jeanette

b) it is not acceptable for any tour member to keep a dead badger in his hotel room though the temporary possession of live poultry is deemed to be okay providing it is released immediately upon discovery.

c) it is acceptable for a tour member to go to sleep between shots but not on a putting green or in a hazard.

d) it is acceptable for any tour member to upgrade his room without telling the others but not change his hotel.

e) it is acceptable for tourists to take on engagements (modeling clothes, clubs demo, piano lessons, style advice etc) providing that the proceeds go into the pot in rule 12 above.

f) it is acceptable for a tour member to rush in after 16 holes for an urgent dump providing that he does not expect to go back out again and play the last two. An acceptable alternative solution is simply to shit yourself and claim an accidental follow through. In which case a small amount of time is permitted to clean yourself up using an expensive Wentworth Towel (or a baguette wrapper) and the round may be continued.


Suggestions for more rules are welcomed and each one received will be given due consideration. The more absurd the better.